I have been unravelling another level of my fear more intently in past few months and I have discovered that a lot of my behaviour is still being influenced by this emotion/feeling. I’m not talking about our natural inbuilt biological fear factor for survival or our flight fright response in regard to fear. I’m talking about the fear that stops you doing great things because of past trauma, shame or guilt, the fear of being judged or rejected and so on… the type of fear that stops you dead in your tracks! This type of fear can come under another label, namely, anxiety.

Most of my fear, shame and anxiety have been buried deep within my psyche for quite some time. They have caused me to make decisions that nearly destroyed me. When I think back to some of the situations and experiences I have had in my life… I am very grateful to still be here. Throughout my teenage years and as a young woman I always carried around a feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I used to have this inner unshakable feeling that something was wrong with me. I was disempowered. I had very low self-esteem and self-worth and I never felt like I belonged or had the right to my voice. There was a time when I had no awareness to why I felt fearful and anxious. I just did. I was locked inside my own internal prison. I felt uncomfortable in my skin and my mind was often filled with frenzied thoughts, the type that fear and anxiety feast on. I longed to be loved and accepted, yet, I was needy, detached and terrified of intimacy.

After many years of struggling with and attempting to manage all of this on my own, it was clear that it wasn’t working out for me. By the age of 25, the wheels had well and truly had fallen off. I had reached a place where I wasn’t able to keep on functioning this way. I had hit the wall and for my own well- being and sanity it was time to get some help. So I sought out my first therapist and commenced my journey of self-inquiry. Later, I joined a women’s group and participated in self-developmental workshops all of which helped me in my quest in the unpacking of me. Besides, from the typical dysfunctional family of origin complexities, I eventually discovered what I believe was a significant root cause of these debilitating thoughts, feelings and emotions, and how I had accumulated a shit load of fear, guilt, and shame.

It was during a process called ‘Rebirthing’ at the age of 31 after the birth of my first son that this event presented itself. During this process, I had a memory recall of the sexual abuse that I experienced when I was about 8 from a friend of my fathers. I had repressed this trauma and it was revealed to me in a series of coloured visual images, whilst in this process. This vital piece of information was like the domino effect. In my mind I visualised all the other dominos falling one by one representing the sequence of events that had shaped my life due to that experience. I was bewildered at first by the deep effect that this repressed trauma had had on my subconscious and the amount of damage that it had caused me in my life.

This piece of the puzzle was an enormous breakthrough for me finally; my past dysfunctional behaviour and life choices were starting to make sense. For example, in my early 20s, I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol to mask my anxiety and to numb out the intensity of the deep emotional shame and pain that was locked deep within my cells. Even though a part of me knew a life of substance abuse was not for me, at the time, it was part of my survival kit. Those years were very painful and I drifted around aimlessly for some time and collected a whole bunch more of the same. Due to the repression of this event, at that time, I had no conscious awareness of the energetic pattern that I was carrying. This energetic pattern was transmitting a ‘victim vibration’ and predators were easily able to latch on to it and weave their way through my loosely fabricated boundaries.

It was both liberating and extremely painful at the same time receiving this vital piece of the puzzle. I went through a plethora of emotions after having this memory recall. I was really angry (really fucking angry) for some time. I was angry because my parents didn’t protect me. I was angry because it happened to me – why me? I was angry at myself. I felt guilty and ashamed. I grieved for my lost innocence, I grieved for the life I may have had if this hadn’t happened to me. I grieved for the immense loss of self. I fantasised about how my life may have looked if I hadn’t been abused…

I have discovered sexual abuse is a very complex experience which I believe unravels layer after layer over a lifetime. I’m unsure if one ever truly gets over the immense psychological damage from it, at times, I have found it very challenging.With the help of therapy and the healing arts, I have grown to accept it and learnt how to live with it. And I’ve acquired psychotherapeutic tools and skills to equip me with managing the layers when they arise. But I disagree with the tag line that I often hear others use, which goes like this – “my past doesn’t define me”. I call bullshit on that. It totally defined me and I am proud of the woman I have become, and of the significant challenges and perils I have managed to overcome. It has allowed me to grow in many ways. By delving into and being confronted with the darkest aspects of my psyche I have gained wisdom and grace. It has been a long journey, but I have now reached a place where I can appreciate the gifts and the profound learning’s I have received from this experience.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that supports the masking of pain and shame, thus adding to the collective fear-based consciousness intent on masking and pretending that “all’s well”. When I made the decision to write about my story of sexual abuse I ran it past some of my female friends and acquaintances. Some thought it was a good idea whilst others advised me not to, warning me of the consequences of exposing my vulnerability. No, they said, don’t do it, you will be judged, labelled and alienated. There it was – that fear based mentality that holds us back and keeps us stuck. This type of mentality is only interested in hearing the ‘good stuff’ and will continue to pretend and wear the mask because it doesn’t want to own or acknowledge the pain of its own psyche by someone willing to show up with theirs. Why not talk about it? Why not throw it out there?

There is evidence to support that hanging on to trauma or keeping it a secret because of shame or because of guilt has a worse effect on our physical well-being than the actual traumatic event. Having recently been given a diagnosis of Fibromuscular Dysplasia for the chronic illness that I have been struggling with over the last four years – for me, it’s definitely time to throw it out there. I have now come to recognise my deepest sense of vulnerability isn’t exposing my weaknesses; it is, in fact, a willingness to stand in my power.

Other people’s judgments, rejections, envy, misunderstandings, and misinterpretations of my intentions are not my responsibility and I have no control over them. I can no longer keep myself hidden in order to avoid triggering in others denied or disowned pain or shame by acknowledging and exposing my own truth and vulnerability. It’s time to out this shame and shed another layer, and by doing this I am able to off-load the paralysing force that has been crippling me and depriving me of the freedom of my authentic expression.

To finish, as the divine Brene Brown so eloquently puts it “I’m imperfect and I’m enough”